I’m probably the least-trendy person you’d ever want to meet.
Popular shows on TV? I don’t watch ’em. I may be the only person in the country who has never seen “Game of Thrones” or “The Masked Singer,” and I didn’t start watching “Seinfeld” until it was in syndication.
Music? I’m usually 10 years behind the times. I listened to the Beatles in the 1970s, Led Zeppelin in the 1980s and Bruce Springsteen in the 1990s. In other words, unless popular acts had broken up or vanished from the charts, I wanted nothing to do with them.
How about dance crazes? Yeah, right. Things like “The Hustle” and “The Electric Slide” came and went without me so much as scootin’ a boot, probably because I was listening to “The White Album” when disco was big, and, well, parts of that are really hard to dance to.
(I’ll admit I learned the Macarena in 1996, but for me, that was a really bad year.)
All of which leads to a shocking confession.
As of 14 days ago, I’m on a diet.
The keto diet.
Yes, the biggest, trendiest and most-hype-filled diet in the world.
It is, dare I say, the trendiest thing I’ve done in my life.
Reaction to this has been fast, furious and 100 percent sugar-free.
“I’m so sick of everybody going on the keto diet!” fumed one of my reporters last week, moments before learning her boss was adding to her illness.
“STOP IT. NOW. RUN AWAY,” came the next comment.
“These fad diets never work! You’re just going to gain back all the weight you lose!” said another.
And the thing is, typically, I’d agree with that.
I’ve long been wary of diets. I especially hate trendy diets. More importantly, I love sugar. I also love baked potatoes and cake and pie and Coca-Cola and pasta and bread and cheesecake and chicken parmesan and milkshakes and especially, honey glazed walnut prawns. God, how I love honey glazed walnut prawns.
But here’s the thing. All those things I just mentioned? You can’t eat them on the keto diet.
Except …
“It’s NOT a diet,” my much better-thinking-and-looking-half, Sherrie, told me in late December. “It’s just choosing to eat a different way.”
I had my doubts. I’d never really attempted a diet because I couldn’t see replacing cake and potatoes with lettuce and tomatoes. Rabbits can live on that, but I outweigh your average rabbit by about 240 pounds.
(Which, of course, is a problem.)
Anyway, I dove in headfirst. Figuring if people could survive on “Naked and Afraid” for 40 days without food or clothes, I could survive three months by eating “different” foods. (And still wearing clothes.)
Therein comes the most surprising part of this. The food — again, thanks to my aforementioned wife — is stunningly good.
First, I can eat pretty much all the fat and protein I want. Hamburger? Steak? Bacon and eggs? I’m ingesting those like candy. Cheese, chicken and seafood? Yum, yum and yum.
Best of all, my wife puts together some masterful keto dishes. My favorite home-cooked meals so far have been tacos (with all of the regular innards) in a coconut-flavored wrap, Caprese Chicken, and some delicious keto waffles topped with raspberries and heavy whipping cream. And, yes, actual pizza — made with all my favorite toppings, plus cauliflower crust.
The one thing I haven’t completely abandoned is refined sugar — at least, in my morning coffee. A man’s got to know his limitations, and morning coffee without cream and sugar is mine.
After that one indulgence, I’m basically sugarless the rest of the day.
I’m going without one other thing, too: Indigestion. After living with it as an every-hour fact of life for 10 years, I suddenly haven’t had any for the past two weeks.
Finally, the fact I’ve lost (drumroll, please) 14 pounds in 14 days doesn’t hurt either.
Now — this isn’t to say this diet (er, “new way of eating”) is for everybody. Nobody should attempt it without checking with your doctor or at least googling some of the possible side effects and danger areas.
The goal is 100 days. After that, I’ll aim to “maintain” my weight with a mix of old eating habits and new. If I blow it, or if anything goes south as a result of this effort, I’ll let you know.
And, of course, I’ll need to work in some old-fashioned non-trendy exercise to keep that weight off. Anybody want to join me for the Macarena?
Mike Wolcott is editor of the Enterprise-Record. You can email him at mwolcott@chicoer.com, or follow him on Twitter @m_mwolcott.
